He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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