So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
