No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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