Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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