HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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