she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
