So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
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I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I want a musical about memes.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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