moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
