He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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