Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
