Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
