VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
