im about as happy as oj after his trial
i will never coherently bang her
time to smoke my breakfast
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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