i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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