you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
