I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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