I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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