I'm going to jail i love you
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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