New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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