So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
