Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
