True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
