I haven't been this sober since birth.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
