I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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