ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
a search helicopter?!
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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