So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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