Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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