Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
