you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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