6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
