She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My ATM looks so different sober.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
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Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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