so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
