Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
