I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
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I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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