Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
