Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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