I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
