Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
