I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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