You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
