I just threw up on my dentist
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
