She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
