OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
