Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
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I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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