i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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