it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
