I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
