He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
