I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
