I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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