just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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