your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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