I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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