I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
